The Slacker’s Guide to Working from Home
Webconnex was my first real remote job. I was nervous. This was pre-pandemic before everyone and their golden doodle worked remotely. I wanted to do a good job. What would this company expect from me? How could I connect with people in Sacramento with me being two thousand miles away in horse and bourbon country? Louisville, Kentucky, y’all! Come visit! Also, don’t say y’all, it’s cultural appropriation and we don’t appreciate it.
One of my former co-workers with remote experience gave me some parting advice. “Always put on a real pair of pants every day,” he said, only partly joking. It was well-intentioned. But I’m sorry to say that Will was wrong, dear reader. So, so wrong.
First of all, when working from home, you should always be dressed in your finest athleisure. You want to look like at any moment you could run a half-marathon. You probably won’t, but that’s not the point. It’s perfect for every occasion. Getting the kids from school, drive-throughs, spilling leftovers while you eat on the couch. Get yourself into some sweatpants and don’t get out except to change into a classy pair of “norts” (Nike shorts, try to keep up) in the summer.
Speaking of leftovers, food is of the utmost importance when you work from home. Plan your day around food. It all starts with a nice breakfast. To quote another Louisvillian, Hunter S. Thompson: "breakfast is a personal ritual that can only be properly observed alone, and in a spirit of genuine excess. The food factor should always be massive”. Make some nice avocado toast (you millennial, you), bacon, good coffee, and OJ. Then set up shop outside on a cool morning with your laptop. This is your competitive advantage over the filthy commuter-types who spent 20 minutes in the Starbucks drive-through alone.
Those commuter-types… they write plenty of articles, tips, and advice on how to optimize your standing desk, 5 monitors, and perfect the ergonomics of your home office. DON’T FALL FOR IT! You don’t need a standing desk, you need a hammock desk! Armed with only your laptop, “anywhere” is your office now. Learn the virtual desktop shortcuts well and now the backyard, library, a taco spot (food again!), and any random couch are all just as productive as the carefully curated, well-lit home office space with a minimum of 24 succulents.
“Always put on a real pair of pants every day”
Now that you’re dressed (sort of), well-fed, and set up with the perfect office environment, it’s time to deal with the final factor you may face when working from home: The Solitude ™. The Solitude ™ is both a tool and a hurdle. If you work from home with a family, you may experience a significantly more mild version of The Solitude (cue the baby screams). Use The Solitude to knock out tasks, have focus time, or just enjoy that big breakfast while making to-do lists.
When The Solitude becomes too much, there is only one solution. Slack. And I’m not talking about the kind where you respond to high-priority work channels and collaborate with others, we all do that or we get fired. I’m talking about the kind where you share dumb TikTok videos in the “random” channel. If you don’t have at least 30 channels of non-work-related nonsense like #diamond-dogs, you are doing it wrong. You’re aiming for the kinds of interactions that get GIF usage mentioned in your performance reviews (in a positive way, hopefully). It’s basically just social media, but you kinda get paid for it.
Now that I have revealed all my trade secrets, you should be a work-from-home master slacker!
Go forth and work, I guess.
- Jordan
